Everything I’ve ever done has always been overshadowed by self-doubt. Here are some examples,
- I pass an exam. Thoughts: Did you really? The examiner must’ve have been having a pretty good day to give you that Mark. Wait let me calculate it myself, just to prepare in case they miscalculated.
- I get into a uni/ program. Thoughts: Watch they are about to call and revoke the offer because someone else deserves it more than you. Come on, you didn’t work as hard as everyone else. Do you really deserve it?.
- Someone complements me. Thoughts: What is it that they want from me. Clearly they can see I’m ugly, and by complementing an ugly person they think they’ll get something. I might as well give them whatever they want since it’s the closest I’ll get to someone remotely liking me.
These are just some of the thoughts that run through my brain literally every second of the day.
If I was to psychoanalyse myself, I would say that this doubt probably stems from my acquired low self-esteem. A low self esteem built from years of emotional neglect and emotionally absent parents.
Yes, my parents messed me up but shouldn’t I be over this by now. I’m 23 for God sake, surely there must be a time limit to how long I can blame my parents. Still no matter what, I always wait for the other shoe to drop. It’s exhausting to always remind myself I’m like this because of this *insert traumatic past experience here*. Therefore I deserve to remain unhappy because I am fundamentally broken. Why can’t I just be? Why do I carry this shitt with me?
It’s like somehow subconsciously I know that without it I won’t feel complete. Even though this baggage is clearly heavy, I know without it I won’t be me. Maybe letting go and finding out who I am is what’s truly scaring me. Will I be me if I let go? Who is me? And once I find out will I like me? All these unknowns. I’d rather stay in the know, you know. So I just keep carrying it around and adding more and more baggage. Then I wonder why I feel so miserable?
I am the person who has low self esteem, low self confidence, low self worth, high self doubt. I am this way because of my emotionally damaging past experiences. I know where I stand amongst humans at the bottom of the pile. I know I’m insignificant. I know this.
Yet, there’s always some voice saying you know there’s more to life than this comfortable yet painful misery your living. You know things can be better. You know things can change if you truly want it too and put the effort in. You know this.
There is always hope somewhere deep down my tortured soul that I can in fact change. This is annoying, but I’m glad it’s there because it shows I still have a little fight in me. No matter how depressed, or emotional numb I’m feeling I know there’s a part of me that still sees some self-worth. If it wasnt there I would have checked out a long time ago and that’s something to hold on to.
Then hopefully one day I won’t need to fight anymore and finally belive I am actually worth my existence.