You made your bed, now lie in it
I hate this statement so much. This idea has had so much control over my choices in life, it’s unbelievably pathetic.
I have been living with depression for almost 1 year and 3 months.
I have been agonising over the fact that I’ve chosen this path and there is no way out. I’ve done all the steps, gone to university and now doing my masters to be a qualified professional. Somewhere though, this path that I set out even if I didn’t realise it then or it’s more true that I ignored it. It became something that I didn’t want to do anymore. I continued though because I thought if I am following this path, I have to finish it. Anyone would say that’s a logical, rational and reasonable way to live life. You start something, you finish it. But the thought of working in this profession fills me with dread.
So what if you change your mind, what if you have new dreams and they don’t match your path that you’ve set out. Huh? Now you’re trapped by expectations placed on you by others or more so yourself on this path you’ve laid out. You can’t see anything but this path, you didn’t account for the fact you might just change your mind about what you want in life.
So for months, I have been torturing myself when I finally recognised I didn’t want to do this. Telling myself I have to apply for jobs in this field because I have to finish what I started. There have been moments, where I’ve let myself think about quitting and all of these thoughts follow…you are a failure, you are worthless, you cannot finish anything, you aren’t contributing to the world, what was the point of doing all of these steps to get here only for you to give up on it. PATHETIC. You see this relentless cycle of negative self-talk that traps you.
After months of staring at the ceiling and just thinking that my life is doomed. I had this thought, what if just in a hypothetical situation, forget about all the consequences, how it would affect your image, how you would see yourself? I gave myself permission to think of a situation, where I would finish this course but I would not go into the profession. Just what if? And just like that, all of this dread just melted away. Then I realised ‘I don’t have to do what I set out to be’.
YES. You made the path, you can change it. You do not have to be thing you set out to be. You can move the damn brick, you can create a whole new path, you can go backwards, you can go sideways…It’s your path, no one else’s. Doesn’t matter what the hell anybody else says, you are living your life the way you want to live your life. Just tell everyone to shut the hell up, then tell yourself to also shut the hell up and stop putting limitations, restrictions and fixed ideas around who you are meant to be. You don’t know who you are meant to be yet. You’ll find out when you get there but for now just be what you want to be.
My whole life I have been listening to other peoples expectations of me and if its not them it’s what I expect of myself. It’s my idea of success which is often so warped, so unrealistic because it has never considered my strengths. It’s always what I see society perceives as success that I impose those ideas on myself. I convince myself that this is what I want to do and then I get encouraged by what others say ‘wow, well done, you’re so smart’. Yeah a few moments of praise, then a life of misery. No thankyou. I do not give a shitt anymore. I’m done.
It feels so good to just be free from these chains I’ve put on myself for no damn reason other than to meet some imaginary idea of success. I feel so stupid holding onto an idea of myself, that doesn’t exist anymore.
So what do I say to…
“You made your bed, now lie in it”
No I think I’m just going to lie on the floor, because I can 🙂